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Warming Hearts and Open Hands
Monday, January 26th, 2009.
It’s finally time to return to the grind of schooling, and I’ve moved back in and restarted my academic life. With it, I shall begin exploring all of the wonders of college life once again. My break was too long. I had borrowed a vibraphone to keep me busy, and I took a class for three weeks (forty hours a week, 8-4 M-F). The class was to become certified as a nurse’s aide, and although it’s better that I took it (significant increase in wages, will have no problem finding work), it stopped me from getting the rest I needed for a long while. When I started this break, I was rather depressed at the way that things were going. And when I am depressed, and I am given time to think (for instance, a month-long break with no obligations), I dwell, and I brood. And it gets worse. So at first glance, it would seem that this class would be a good way to keep my mind busy. But it ended up keeping me adequately tired and incapable of thinking clearly at all.
The reason I bring this up is because after the class was finally over, I started resting and thinking healthily. It gave me the opportunity to set a lot of things straight, and do some serious soul searching. Much of this revolved around Toni, and it was really the first time I had really gotten the chance to sort things out for myself and not have people interrupting me or shoving ideas into my head about it all. About a week before break started, I had told her that I couldn’t talk to her anymore. It hurt to think about her, much less talk to her, and it was better for me to look forward than backward. She didn’t take this so well (obviously), but it had to be done. How could I rightly detach myself from her if I was still pursuing her in so many ways? This was fine at the time, as, like I said, I was distracted by my classes and my friends.
But shortly after coming home, the entire situation hit me. I missed her a lot. I fell deeper into depression than I had yet been. I went to class and came back, exhausted, and brooded. It wasn’t for a few weeks until I started dealing with my feelings in a healthy way. It went like this.
I love Toni. A lot. She made me feel emotions that I didn’t really believe existed. She changed me. But there was something deeper in all of it. One of the main things that I wanted in a relationship was someone who could understand me, and understand the intricate and often senseless ways that I work. I thought that I had found her. Indeed, Toni is a very kind and sweet girl, and she has a heart of gold. But I saw traits in her that did not exist. I made her into something that she wasn’t, and it is for that reason that I began to expect more out of her than she was capable of giving. When these things weren’t there, I got frustrated. The reason that our relationship wasn’t clicking was because we were on two different pages. We are on two different pages in life. My mind is in one place, and hers is in another, and we’re both young.
I could elaborate, but I think that that is a good summation of how things were. It is obviously more complicated than that, and indeed the issues weren’t entirely of my doing, but that is the gist of it. So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me in college, pursuing my dreams, making friends, and continuing on. And her, immersed in her own struggles. At this point, I finally feel at ease with the entire situation, and can once again lift my head. I no longer dread the thought of us being apart, and I feel as though I could continue on as her friend. In fact, I’d like to. But I’ve tried to get in touch with her, and she has not been so receptive. I can’t really blame her. None of this was fair to anyone. That’s the nature of a breakup, and I didn’t expect her to wait for me. Life doesn’t wait. It moves on. And now, so too must I.
All of that aside, yesterday was move in, and today was day one, and I am loving it. I got to see many of my friends, I went to classes, I went to the dining commons (it always tastes good at the beginning of the semester). I have to say that in one way or another, some strange amount of optimism has struck me in this past week. I was sure that I would be going back to school as depressed as I was. I could no longer see the bright side of anything. And in the final week preceding move in, my entire outlook has been revamped, my spirits rejuvenated, and my mind is fresh and ready for more. I’m so happy to be back! I have a good idea of my goals for the semester and I am excited about making even more friends, and I know that there will be so many new experiences and opportunities. I can’t wait!
Which brings me to my final point of day one and of this entry. The song “Good Weather for Airstrikes” has been quoted here before. It remains to be one of my favorite songs. The last lines of the song depict darkness and loneliness (“Total silence / No answer”). But the final two lines make up what has become the most profound quote in my life: “The best thing that God has created / Is a new day.” I think that darkness is not only an inevitable part of life, it’s an essential part of life. For without darkness, how could we ever appreciate the light? And although today might not be too satisfying or happy, there’s always tomorrow. This is the first thing that I tend to forget when I am down. I believe that there is no way out and that I’ll be there forever. But somehow a new day comes. And with it come new revelations (that I will discuss more later) and new ideas and thoughts, and new hope, and new optimism, and new courage and wisdom. As Reese Roper said, “Only [God] can make every new day seem so new,” though I often forget it (and will likely forget it again). I must also thank my friends and family who see me through these problems time and time again. It seems as though I’m prone to these situations, and sometimes support and prayer is the only thing that gets me through them.
So I did my share of growing over break—I became a better musician, learned a lot about nursing and the medical field, and learned a lot about myself. But the learning has always just begun. Welcome back!