Archive for November, 2008
I’ve Hit the Ceiling.
November 30th, 2008.
The more I search for words, the less come.
Gloria by Brave Saint Saturn:
Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.
Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I’ve fallen down,
Can’t pull myself back up.
I’m going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.
I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I’ve hit the ceiling.
Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
And So it Goes (For Real)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008.
The lyrics to a song that the band has been performing for four months.
And So it Goes by Billy Joel.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
And So it Goes
Saturday, November 22nd, 2008.
As of today, the band season has come to a close. These past few weeks have been a crazy push. I’ve written an essay. I love you.
______
This is nothing new to me. I did band in high school. It’s always the same. The seniors will be missed, but next year, it’s even more your band than last year. But as I stand in the field, behind the band as George Parks conducts My Way for the last time this season, I get a feeling I haven’t felt before.
There’s a different element to this entity. It’s not just a band. It’s a society. It’s a community, and the bond that I share with every member—even those I don’t know—is something unexplainable and illogical. And the love that I have for each member of my own section, the pit, is indescribable. I am only a freshmen, and I’ve been in this band for just one year. But being with these people, whom I’ve spent the majority of every day, week, and month with since school started here, while we smile and wave to the audience one final time, my heart is warmed. I look at them and I don’t only see fellow musicians, I see brothers and sisters. And the seniors and section leaders, they are like parents. This family is inseparable, and we’ve proven it. Through cold, dark nights, broken instruments (staying up until two AM to repair them), playing in heavy downpours, unloading and loading the trucks multiple times a day, and some of the most gruesome hours of rehearsal imaginable, we have stayed close and persevered. When one of us falls, each member is there to help. In some ways, I’ve never been happier than when I should be sleeping, but I’m laughing with them at midnight trying to dry off the instruments after a rainy performance. At the beginning of the year, we had nothing but dusty instruments and a few sheets of music. From these things we created some of the best music ever played.
This year has given us the best of conditions and the worst. In both situations, we, and the entire band, have prevailed. The magic is real, and you can see it in the expression of the people whose jaws are dropped in amazement, and you can see it in the eyes of the little kids who mimic you playing your instrument, and you can see it on smiles of high school students, who feel important because they were hanging out with members of the UMASS band (I was there once, too). To have the power to make someone’s day, or touch their life is what makes this band special. To bring a smile to one more person’s face, or give them such a memorable performance is the definition of our pride. But the memories aren’t only for the audience. In fact, most of them are for us.
In one semester I have made more memories than I could have ever imagined. The people, the places, and the music are permanently in my heart—and I’m only a freshmen! I can’t begin to think about how the seniors must feel, who have four years of great memories with this band that they will carry with them forever. They have made this experience so much better. But the end is near. The long rehearsals, the late nights, the early mornings. They are all in the past now.
The last song that we play at every performance is My Way. It is a classic song, and the final chord in it denotes the end of another performance. It is a bittersweet chord—although I am no music major, it seems to be comprised of two parts. When the band is holding it out, you hear a beautifully built major chord. But when they end it, one part sticks out in my mind. This one note that renders the chord still unresolved. That is the sentiment with which I leave every performance—happy, but with more work to do. However, today that chord represents something different. It is the end of the season. An extremely happy ending. But when the final breath is taken, and that last note rings out, echoing around the football field and the stands, that bittersweet quality is still there. I look at the family around me again. Everyone is smiling. The seniors have tears rolling down their cheeks. Now I do, too. This entity, the power and magic, the show, are now nothing more than a memory. This band will cease to exist until next year, when we create the magic again from the dust. But some people are out here for the final time. And, today, this song goes out to them.