Archive for October, 2008
My Mind Stops Working Less Than I Wish it Did
Monday, October 27th, 2008.
We had band off today. That’s a big deal, because we haven’t had band off all weekend. This weekend was Band Day and MICCA finals—approximately 30 hours of band, and about 6 total hours of sleep. But alas, it was the final weekend of extreme busyness in terms of band! Only two more football games, separated by two free weekends.
You’d think I’d be happy that band is coming to a close, and I can resume my life. But the grand irony of every marching band season is beginning to sink in—it’s almost over. These songs, which I have spent the majority of every day, week, and month trying to perfect, will never be played again. These seniors, whom I have learned to look up to as parents, almost, will not be back next year. I’ll soon perform my last show with them, and their amazing qualities and great contributions to the group will become a landmark of my freshmen year. My section leaders, who are beyond amazing in every respect, and have inspired me in so many ways, will leave me with great memories.
While coming back from MICCA finals this weekend, I had a realization. “Wow,” I thought, “forty-eight hours ago I was dreading how long and mundane this weekend would be. Now I’m looking back on it with nothing but memories.” I came to realize that this entire season has been this way. At the beginning of band camp, I looked at my schedule and thought about how busy and tired I would be in the coming months. There was a time—at about right now—that I thought would never come. But now I’m here, and behind me is an entire season. To think about how much I’ve accomplished, and how much I’ve learned, is a humbling thing. In a sense, it puts the craziness into perspective.
But the season isn’t over yet, and I still have a few weeks of rehearsal with my senior friends that I’ve made, and a few more performances, and a few more chances to bond with them and love them. I still have a few more opportunities to make those memories that I’ll always look back on so fondly.
Sometimes when I go out to eat with my pit friends, we get to talking about band, and then one of us will sarcastically say “So, what else do you guys do besides band?” Actually, no… It’s not sarcastic at all. It’s true. And sad.
So, in other news, classes are beginning to calm down again after some uproar of homework busyness last week. I’m getting back into the swing of things, and cracking down on it, and getting ahead again. I have come to love the feeling that I get when I realize that I’ve done my work instead of procrastinating. Needless to say, I didn’t have that feeling last week. But at this point, I’m beginning to look at my grades to see where I am and what I need to do. My goal was simple—to get a 4.0 for my first semester. It looks like this is not only possible, but likely. If I do well on this upcoming math exam, I will be in great shape. Psychology and Biology I’m not even worried about, and English is… uh… I showed up for all the classes? He hasn’t given our essays back yet, but I think I did rather well.
Something that I have neglected to talk about is the situation with Toni and I, simply because I’d rather not speak before understanding a situation. But this is a confusing one. I want to be with her so badly, and this feeling has only grown worse over time. I’m getting to this point where I am having an internal conflict: do I try to move on, or do I continue to try to convince her that things can and will be better? Her thing is that she doesn’t want to keep going out and breaking up until we can’t stand each other anymore. I don’t know if that happens or not, but I would rather just go out and not break up. At this point, my definition of “going out” has been reduced to accommodate the distance. I want to hold her and cuddle with her and hug and kiss her when I can see her. In the meantime, I want to dream about those things. On a bad day, I would comfort myself by thinking about the next time we could just lay in each other’s arms together. But a new thought is haunting my mind: What if I never get to hold her or cuddle with her or hug and kiss her again? It’s making me sick to my stomach. It’s making me very upset. I can’t even sleep at night. It’s been the normal for so long, that I thought I’d be able to do it forever. It’s something that I don’t want to get over. I don’t want these things to change. I don’t want to ever have to look for another girl to date. In a nutshell, I really hope that Toni and I can reconcile whatever it is that’s been disturbing us, and get back together, preferably hastily, so that I can sleep again. I love her, and, simply put, I always want to.
I guess every day has its ups and downs. Some days the scale tips one way, the next day it rebounds. Sometimes I want to return to a point when I was ten years old and in my mother’s arms—a time when I never had to pretend that everything was alright. A time when I naively believed that everything would be alright. These days, a coin toss could decide my day.
Which brings me to my final thought of the night: staying positive in the face of negativity. For the most part, I have done this. For those times that I have failed, I’m sorry. It’s been very difficult to balance my thoughts with all of the different stimuli each day, especially when some of those things affect me so closely. But I have gotten to an interesting point: what’s the line between being positive because being negative is not healthy, and being true about the way you feel in regards to what’s going on around you? I guess each situation requires its own special attention to this detail. I think I need to get better at identifying when each one is appropriate.
Another Step in A Direction
Thursday, October 23rd, 2008.
These past few days—and the next few days—are something else in terms of busyness. I say that because they are the end of the extremely busy era of marching band! It’s the last double-performance weekend, and the rest of the year is simply football games (and one parade). I can’t believe that it’s come this far.
At the game on Saturday, the founder of my high school’s band is going to be commemorated for his hard work and commitment throughout the years. Since (coincidentally) I am from that high school, I have been placed in charge of gathering together a welcoming gift for him. Somehow I succeeded in all of the plans. Miracles do happen. I also finished all of my homework!
On a sour note, I think that I did more poorly on my biology exam than I entered the room believing I would do. During the review session, I was bored by the material—I knew it all. However, I didn’t feel so confident when it came to the actual test. Time will tell, however. It’s about the midway point in the year, and although classes will be getting harder, my schedule will be coming slightly less hectic. The tradeoff will be good, as my attention shifts from mainly band to mainly academics. Before I know it, Spring semester will be here!
Alcohol and People
Monday, October 20th, 2008
It’s a brand new week. I know that it’s not the first time that I’ve said that, but I’m embracing it as well as I can. In the past week, I’ve had a lot of high points and a lot of low points. I’ve also been very busy with band. I’ve also been loaded with homework. But hey, that’s how it falls. I’ve been keeping my spirits up and trying to stay in a good place. A few things have been brewing in my mind lately, and I may take a few days to come to a conclusion about them specifically. But for now, one thing that I feel comfortable talking about (or, at least, exploring) is people.
Saturday night I went to the band alumni party. It was one of the “must attends” of the year, and I must say that I had a great amount of fun. I don’t imbibe, but I was one of a very small handful of people who didn’t that night. But I don’t need to drink to have a good time, and luckily they don’t require me to drink to hang out, either.
However, being sober at a drinking party sheds an unusual light on the nature of people. In the moment, it is crazy and fun. But in retrospect, alcohol has a greater power than we give it credit for. It enables people—tired, stressed out, overworked, busy people—the chance to enjoy themselves and forget about what’s going on. Who wouldn’t want to partake in such an elixir? Of course, it’s not as simple as that, but I’m not going to lecture about the dangers of drinking or anything. Something else besides the alcohol stuck out at me. It was the people. The tired, stressed out, overworked, busy people. The desperate people. There are so many people at any given party who rely on alcohol to do what I described. I understand that’s not the reason that all people drink, but a good deal of people do. Anyway, the point is that I found myself surrounded by people dependent on this substance to feel good, and at this moment, a lot can be observed about human nature.
During the party, some girls become absolute extroverts—flirting with every breathing thing with a penis there is. Some men become predators—looking for action or someone to “hook up” with. Many people find themselves saying or doing things that are incredibly out of their nature. But some people seem to become more honest and sincere about their true motives. Notice that I said honest about motives—this isn’t about honesty. And at the party, a particularly old friend of mine did indeed show her true motives and disappointed me greatly. The instance didn’t cause drama or anything, but it did send my mind into motion.
What further sparked my mind was that as I was walking home with one of my friends (him being slightly intoxicated), I was recounting the story and expressing my disappointment about the situation. He said something that really made me think: “If someone disappoints you or lets you down, it means that you’ve put too much trust in them.” I understand that this isn’t true for all cases, but it hit home. It seems that in recent history, my biggest let downs and disappointments have come from people who have no intentions of hurting me. But I put too much trust in them. I have expectations of them to perform a certain way. I expect them to be mindful of what I might think and what I might want. I expect them to know exactly how to act to please me. Of course, this doesn’t happen, and the result is oftentimes disappointment.
But it gets more complicated. There is a limited amount of people that I want to put any amount of trust or faith in me, as well. And I know that I must disappoint many people on a daily basis. I wish I could help it, because I’d never have any intention of hurting those people, either. It’s a situation that can only be corrected by not presuming anything about another person.
The point of this is that trust is something that NEEDS to be built up. The reason isn’t only because you must show yourself worthy of someone’s trust, but also because if you give your trust away too freely, you will be disappointed. Understand that I am referring to a very specific area of trust and friendship, and not saying these things in any broad sense. I know that it’s a lot more complicated and there are a lot more factors in the bigger picture.
In any case, I think I’m beginning to understand why people like to drink so much—they have an expectation of having a good time with it and to enjoy themselves and forget about what’s going on, and it never lets that expectation down.