Archive for September, 2008
Optimism!
Friday, September 26th, 2008.
Today was good. I had a psychology exam that went fairly well, and a night-sectional. Unfortunately, it was pouring all day, so things were a bit unorthodox. However, it was extremely fun and constructive. Tomorrow morning we depart for Allentown, PA. I’m excited for this trip. It’s our largest exposition of the year, so it should prove to be intense.
The best part about today was a little surprise during band. We got new music for a function coming up in a few weeks, and I am playing cymbals! Of course, the part is rather simple, but this is a huge thing for me. It is my first non-guitar pit piece! This is the beginning of my transition, and I was very excited. Hopefully more to come!
In other news, I have found myself missing certain people more and more this week. I believe it may be because of how busy I am, and how I long to relax and be with those people without having to worry about learning music or studying or doing homework or being somewhere. I know that the life of a college student isn’t a necessarily easy one, but I find myself disagreeing thus far. I have learned to enjoy doing homework and practicing, and so I am not “working” so much as extending my learning. Furthermore, my classes are actually pretty fun. I have learned a lot about how to properly concentrate and contribute in class from the drum line (more on that later). So things aren’t bad at all. In fact, I’d have to say that in comparison to my work-laden summer or my “carefree high school days,” college has been a blessing. I can be my own person; an individual, without judgement. I can do things the way I want. My roommate, my floormates, my fellow pit people, all are incredibly awesome people in their own respects, and every day I am met by very great people. College is good. College is what life should be (and hopefully is!)
However, that does not eliminate the one factor that still stings: being away from loved ones. Even though I have learned to enjoy the things I do, I cannot enjoy the distance between me and my family and my closest friends. With marching band, the time before I can see any of them again is always quite lengthy, and I dread it. It certainly hasn’t been easy to this point, and I don’t foresee it getting any easier! Even as I meet new people and experience new, great things, my mind is not diverted, but rather recharged. I want to tell my friends and family about the experiences I’m having, and so my attention is again shifted toward them.
I guess that love comes at a price: for when you are away from those loved ones, you have no choice but to suck it up. Sometimes for long periods of time. One thing is for certain: there’s nothing better than being reunited again.
Long Day. Short Post.
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
Today was possibly one of the busiest days of my college life thus far. It started with a lab at 9:05 and ended with an exam at 7:30. Nonstop classes all day, with fifteen minute intervals to get where I was going. However, today was a good day.
The exam was in bio. It was a two hour test and it took twenty minutes. I felt pretty confident… Hopefully I didn’t fail it miserably. Oh well. I’m going to sleep.
Skyscrapers and Cigarettes
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
A letter to my cousin, Luke today…
Dear Luke,
I heard that you’re in prison. That’s admirable. Okay, so we’ve had some pretty crazy things happen in our family. But you’re definitely topping the list of crazy family news right now. But just remember that we all love you and are only concerned that you are in a good place (metaphorically).
When we were young and you wore knee-high blue sox and had an unconditionally chapped upper-lip and came to my house for Thanksgiving every year, I wanted you to go to hell. You fought with Mike all the time. Later than I was awake, and earlier than I woke up. During every meal and outing. I was embarrassed. At this time, I always imagined that you would some day end up in jail and I would be a successful contributer to society. Well, as it turns out, that is the case. I’m here, and you’re there. Only I dropped that wish years ago. The truth is that I developed a healthy jealousy of you. You are brilliant. Your mind works in different ways, and that shows through in the ways you express yourself. Your mind works exactly like mine, and that’s rare. The only difference is that I only have one clinical disorder and you have several. Of course, this only makes your brain run faster than mine. But it also has made you more susceptible to certain things. But I watched you go through many stages in your life, and I watched you change and mature and grow, even as I was doing so myself. You clang to things, it seemed, like acceptance. I never really cared for that. At the same time, you were very original, moreso than one should be.
But when high school came, a lot of things began to change. I took a liking to you, but still kept a distance. I thought, Luke has the potential to do very well; better than any of us. All he needs is some direction: a positive role model, or a good friend. But I was unwilling to be one. I didn’t return phone calls. I ignored you online. I stayed far away. I denied you. I knew what you wanted and what you needed, but I ignored the pressure every day to help out my own cousin. Oh Luke, why is it that I am here and you’re there? We are the same person, only you’re more sincere and I’m more arrogant.
I want to tell you a story about one of the darkest points in my life. It was in high school. I was high and drunk, only something was still wrong. I was low. I was unfulfilled, and trying to be happy and failing. Its funny, because right before entering high school, I said a prayer. I promised God that if he would allow me to get good grades and make friends, I would abstain from drugs, alcohol, and sex. So much for that. I stopped believing in God and I forgot about that promise. Even if I said that I believed in God, I didn’t acknowledge his existence. Ever. I couldn’t be bothered!
Well, I was drunk and depressed. I wanted to kill myself. I thought that life was horrible and couldn’t get any worse. At the time, I was driving around with my friend and trying to tell him about all of my problems. (He was driving). Suddenly, he put a song on his ipod that I had never heard before and he told me to listen carefully. It was just a singer and an acoustic guitar, and it went like this:
A white ghost, making his way up the west coast,
Trying to focus his high hopes on a vagina or two.
He’s taking his chances.
Meanwhile, back in his living room
Bright smiles are watching his toddler run speed trials
Over a grandmother’s rug.
And nature advances
Up the interstate,
He’s been awake,
And pretty drunk for three whole days.
No one wants to stop
Until they get to where they’re going.
I’ll get to where I’m going pretty soon.
So he takes another drink,
‘Cause watching the scenery bleed
Into each similar scene
Isn’t as sweet as it had been in his dreams.
It’s faster to buy cigarettes and some cold beer
If you don’t rattle the cashier
By asking her back to your room.
She’s calling security.
That’s the main part of the song, and it’s talking about a person who has hit the lowest of lows, and can’t find fulfillment, and gets shot down everywhere he goes, and the dreams he once upheld fondly are now just that: dreams. And he has nowhere to turn and nowhere to go. The next part goes like this:
Our car’s on fire in the parking lot
And nobody wants it to rain,
But God isn’t listening.
So all the windshields glisten.
The water and oil mix,
Causing the fire to spread
To five or six innocent automobiles
Waiting in their nearby spots,
Oh, what a cruel God we’ve got!
So he takes another drink,
‘Cause watching the scenery bleed
Into each similar scene
Isn’t as sweet as it had been in his dreams.
Things happen in life, Luke. And some things will get you so low that you won’t know what to do. But God is listening. Believe me, he is listening. I have abandoned him as many times as I’ve said I’ve loved him. I’m a stupid person. But he’s more patient than we are, and he’s listening. Luke, talk to him. and don’t do it for me or for your mother or for your family. Talk to him because he can help you.
Life only moves forward, my dear cousin. We have watched each other grow up, and we know things about each other that no one else knows. You are in my earliest memories, and I would like to consider you my brother. I ask for your forgiveness for my selfishness, and I want to help you. The day is still young, Luke, and this is a mistake that can easily be forgiven if you ask for it. When you get out, you can start structuring the rest of your life. It won’t be easy, but I will try to be there, and God is listening. Start setting things straight now. I await a response, but in the meantime, I will leave with you one more lyric. It’s called “Good Weather for Airstrikes” by Sigur Ros:
I slide myself forward,
Through my head;
I think halfway
Backwards
I see myself sing
The anthem we wrote together
We had a dream;
We had everything…
We rode to the end of the world.
We road searching;
We climbed skyscrapers
Which later exploded.
The peace was gone.
Balance leaks out.
I fall down.
I slide myself forward through my head.
I always return to the same place.
Total silence.
No answer.
But the best thing God has created
Is a new day.
I love you, Luke, and you are always in my prayers. Be safe, and be smart.
Love,
Andrew J. Michalak